We be Clubbin'

When I turned 18 I started going to clubs here and there because my friends wanted to go and a small apart of me was just curious. I loved the loud music and just dancing, but never was really into it because I wanted to stay faithful to my girlfriend at the time. While everyone was grinding on whatever moved I would post , just bob my head and try my best to not look out of place. Long story short my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. Honestly I was an emotional wreck even though I held my composure when I was around friends and family. I know a lot of us guys when he get heart broken we try to retaliate by trying to make our exes feel like they really missed out. So what do we do? Initially, we try to improve ourselves in the best ways we can so the next time they see us, we hope to see regret in their eyes. Right after a break up, after the whole "feeling sorry for yourself, hating on her" stage, we go to work to better ourselves and get that confidence back up.

We either:

-Date around and hopefully the next girl she's prettier, smarter, more personality etc. then our last girl. 

-Loose weight

-Gain muscle

-New Style

-New haircut

-Get a job

-Take up a hobby etc. 

The two ways that I suppressed those emotions and insecurities was by working out and going out.

I started working out a lot and immediately got reactions at the club, etc. I started drinking too. Deep down I was a shy kid, insecure about some stuff, "No-game", really self-conscious, I got choked up when I saw pretty girls and didn't know how to approach them. But when the alcohol took over it was a completely different story. That courage juice we call it. Confidence was at an all time high after drinking those AMFs, Hen and Coke, Redbull Vodkas and Liquid Cocaines. We used to start those little dance circles in the middle of the club and called people out. We rolled deep so we felt like we were untouchable. I would go in there with the goal to find the prettiest girls, "dance" with them, get their number and see if it could lead to something at the end of the night. My respect for girls outside my family and friends was at a low. I felt like I was betrayed by all the girls I ever was a gentleman to. Me and my cousin came up with this saying back in the day. "The good guys always finish last because they're the last ones to turn bad." It made sense to me at the time. At the clubs I would basically use these girls to suppress my sexual fix. You don't get caught lusting over a girl, you don't get in trouble by grinding on a girl, you can have a little fling with some guy's girlfriend if she's willing and if she doesn't tell you, it's like the laws and moral codes don't apply at the club. It was a huge game of who can get the most physical attention possible. You take advantage of the situation. We were all each others Wing-man. 

Sometimes I'd actually go on dates with girls that I met at the club and some of them were actually really cool, but just because of how we met it, it was always a superficial physical thing. Nothing ever materialized.

We both had hidden agendas to pick it up from where we left off at the club.

There was this cycle...   heartbroken/bored-->club/alcohol-->sexual immorality-->church on Sunday

It was a weird it felt like I was two people at once:

Outside the club I was still a gentleman with morals but then turned my back on them once I headed inside.

And on Sunday I still sat in Church sometimes hung over, received communion, thanked God for everything that I had, while the night before pissed away my money on pre-game alcohol and stoges, drinks for girls etc.

I started realizing that that whole lifestyle didn't give me real happiness. If anything it drew me further away from it.

-Driving home always stressing that you might hit a check point

-Being sleepy at the wheel

-Being hung-over or extremely drained the next day

-Realizing that you're still alone, and it was just a fling

-Hoping that the girl you messed with didn't have anything  

-Wondering if your friends got home okay

-Jacking up your liver and lungs

-Trying to sneak back in the house

-Wasting your money