The Never Ending Cycle

I was inspired to write this post because of a video my friend showed me entitled "Spoken Word: A Man's Promise" and because of a long discussion I had last night with one of my best friends.

Everyone knows about the "Never Ending Cycle" diagram right? The one that shows how individuals get screwed over in relationships and how they react? Diagram 1 is the censored version lol and Diagram 2 is something that I came up with.

Diagram 1: I admit that Diagram 1 was the cycle that I was apart of and not just once and learned from it, but repeated it. I always considered myself to be a "Good Guy." Once I fell for a girl, and got "screwed over," I would always blame myself, the girl for being whack or some event. And when I gave up hope and became bitter, I said "Screw this! I'm not going to be the nice guy anymore. I'm fed up with all these girls' games. They play games, so can I." So I went from a guy who originally wanted to be self-giving, to a person who was self-seeking ("Bad Guy"). I'm sure that I hurt few girls in my past because of this. Whether or not they were permanently emotionally damaged, I couldn't tell you. And that's why I'm writing this. This "Never Ending Cycle" diagram shouldn't be the norm or the excuse of why we treat people the way we do. The way I acted, even though I considered myself to be a "Good Guy" was somewhat fake. The image of a Good Guy is fake if he isn't rooted in fearing God.

 Why are you a Good Guy in first place? Why are you nice to people in the first place?

-To win favor with someone? Have individuals, a girl, like you? 

-Knowing that if you help someone, they will pay you back? 

-To make yourself feel or look good? (Pride) 

If you said yes to any of those you were being self-seeking (Selfish) 

In the end what happens? The girl you liked leaves anyway with a deeper disappointment of how guys are. You prove it through the drama you start up with a text, email, voice-mail etc. These girls loose hope. 

Diagram 2: 

Take a Good Guy who is rooted in fearing God and see how we reacts when things don't go right.

-He chooses to respect her regardless because God created her, and God doesn't make mistakes 

-He is content that she wasn't in God's plan for him. 

-He tries to understand the reasons why she acts the way she acted towards him. Maybe she was failed by a man in her life that she trusted would show her love. And because of that failure she has all these reservations about trusting another guy and harbors all those insecurities. 

-Knowing that she is broken, he wants to help her resolves those issues, not to repair their failed attempt but to help her with trust in the long run. 

-He will want to be there as a genuine friend for support to make sure in the end she is happy no matter what

-Pride is something he wants to steer away from, so he sees her off with no drama. Ending on good terms.

She then ends up leaving with a hope that there are genuine Good Guys out there. She's going to refrain from thinking right off the bat that all guys are jerks or have hidden agendas.

The Good Guy's motives for being nice to people is because he wants to imitate Jesus. He knows Jesus' sacrifice and wants to repay him by doing what he said, which is love your neighbor as yourself. He's all about doing it because he believes that God wants him to treat others with respect and kindness. He doesn't want to take anything from anybody, he wants to give and support. And if it doesn't work out, then he knows that God has something else planned. I'm sure it's not all pretty but he's going to pray for the strength.

It's imperative that we break this cycle. Learn to love properly. Self-giving (Selfless) always.

Fellas be conscious. If a girl isn't feeling you

-maybe it's because she has some unresolved trust issues

-she's dealing with some insecurities

-maybe you are doing something that makes her question if you can provide (emotionally, financially, spiritually etc) 

-maybe she can feel that you haven't moved on from your past relationships

-maybe you don't have as much in common as you thought 

But if it does fail, just trust that God is planning someone else for you. Have faith and hope in God. Do not have faith that the drinks and other girls will make you happy. Trust me, all that is temporary.

Random Advice:

Change your view of woman. Love not lust. Change how you approach and treat them. Know that we are all dealing with some sort of insecurities and underlying struggles. Stay true to the guy you want to be. Love isn't selfish. Trust God. Learn to be a guy who loves properly. The only way to learn how to do that is, is if you follow the instructions of God. Change your role models. Guys who respect women, sacrifice (selfless) and love God are the ones you should be looking up to. 

Deep down all a girl wants is to be accepted and loved. If your intentions are genuine, I don't think you'll have to do much to prevent yourself from getting hurt. 

Crucifixion Type Love - Brent Rice 

 A Man's Promise

 When I Became A Man - Phil Allen 

Sex: Hold off and Be A Real Man

                                               Theology of His Body 

 

Romance without Regret

A couple months ago I made a decision that whatever relationship I enter into next I’m going to make sure that I remain abstinent, and the only way I’m going to cease that lifestyle is on my wedding day. I'll go into why in a bit but first let's talk about love.  

 Love.

True love is supposed to be about self-giving and not self-seeking. That's the bottom line. If you read the bible verses that are recited at almost every wedding, in 1Corinthians13, it's the inspired definition of love from God. The God that created man and woman in the first place.  

Genesis2:18 The Lord God said: It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suited to him. 

Use that chapter as your guideline to see if you are really in love. A lot of the verses basically say love isn't selfish. Are you selfish? Are you in "love" because it's better than being lonely. Are you using someone just because of the attention? Because of what material things they can provide? Because he or she makes you feel good about yourself physically? Do you boast about your "love" onto others? Are you just settling because you don't want to be alone? And how you can love someone if you don't love yourself? The only way you can show it is if you've already experienced it and know what it is. The only way you can experience it are through the people who you have failed and still love you (parents, close friends etc) but mostly you experience that unconditional love from God. No matter what you do, or how bad you mess you, his love never fails. He's always willing to take you back. If you understand his love, then you can learn to love properly. 1John4:19 We love because he first loved us.

True love is unconditional. If you love a person based on conditions, I'm sorry but that's not real love. If you "love" them because they are really attractive, what will happen if they get into a car-accident and their face is burnt up and you can barely recognize them? Will you love them still? How about if he can't provide for your family's needs, he's trying but still can't hang onto a job? Will you still love him then? Let's say he/she cheats on you and tries to come back to you because they realized they made a huge mistake? Will you still take them back and say you love them? If not it isn't love.

I think our society really dumbs down what love really is because they made up their own definition and guidelines. It’s a marketing tool they use. They promote superficial love. They show men and women in desperate need of attention. They promote a standard of beauty that everyone should conform to in order to find love. That somehow if you’re single there’s something wrong with you. They show the most attractive people pairing up and hooking up. They emphasize that if you’re single it's probably because no one wants you. They show that story book ending in all the movies and all shows. They show people “falling in love” and hooking up to commemorate that new relationship.  People see it so much that people think that’s the norm. That it’s okay to sleep with someone just as long as you’re in a committed relationship. I don’t care how long people have been together, the only time you are committed is when you’re married. No matter how long you’ve been together there will always the possibility of a change of heart, because people always change. The person that you’re with now could possibly be pretty different in the future and not in a positive way if he's not rooted in Christ.

Sex

I'm going to be honest and maybe this is too much info but I'm not a virgin. As a teenager and even younger, I was like any other guy, curious with sex on my mind. I was having these feelings and was a victim of our sexually based society. I knew via my faith and parents that sex was only to take place within a marriage. But the world gets to you right? You end up getting into relationships, and everything feels right and you feel that since it's a "common practice" (you see it on T.V., movies,  music, everyone talks about it etc.) and you feel that having sex is okay. So you do it, ignoring you're morals and just submitting into what your flesh wants to do. Being self-seeking (another word for being selfish). When you were having premarital sex did you ever think you were being selfish? Did you ever think that you were disrespecting the individual involved? Think about it.

No matter what society/media, your friends, or the other person involved says, whether it's visible (a child, an STD etc.) or not visible (emotional scars), sex leaves a mark. Even if it was consensual, friends with benefits etc. 

Let me ask you this:

Do you respect her (her body and emotions)?
Do you respect her future meaning...
Let's say you don't end up with her, do you respect her future husband?

Do you respect the future kids she may have?

Do you respect her enough to respect the wishes of the people who loved her the most in this world (parents) to not have sex before marriage? 

Do respect her God? 1Thessalonians 4:3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immortality. 
Do you want to be responsible for her not getting into heaven?

Probably not, right? She's someone's little girl, she's someone's older/younger sister, she's someone's future wife, someone's future mother but presently she's just a girl who you stick it to right? And later tell all your friends if she was good or not right? She's just your little booty call when your in the area or need some physical attention. Why don't you hold off with that experience until you fully know that you're going to be in her life forever?

They'll come a time when you'll want to settle down...
And if you're an honest person you're going to have to eventually tell her your sexual history. I don't know about you but I don't want to give her a laundry list of names or lie about it to her. 
A real man owns up no matter what the consequences are. If you're ducking or lying your a coward because you're afraid. And most likely knowing that you slept around is going to give rise to her being insecure about you and herself. She's probably going to question your intentions. But if you changed your life around and she sees that you've changed, I'm sure she would be more accepting.

Why I'm choosing to abstain? 
1. God intended sex for marriage. 1Corinthians7:2 But because of cases of immorality every man should have his own wife, and every woman her own husband.
2. I don't want to be responsible, if the relationship does fail, for her not trusting men anymore. I've done enough damage. I don't want to hinder her future relationships.
3. I don't want to be apart of that list of guys she's been with and has to later tell her future husband 
4. Sex complicates true emotions. It sometimes becomes the only thing that hold relationships together (superficially) 
5. I want to show my future wife some respect. Let her know that I waited for her. 
6. I want her parents to know that my intentions are genuine
7. I want to be a man of virtue
8. I want to be a father one day who practices what he preaches. I hope to lead by example 
9. Unplanned pregnancy, STDs etc.
10. I want to avoid all questions of insecurities (you know I'm not cheating on you because I don't do that). By excluding sex you can avoid a whole lot of drama. 

Advice:

-I know right off the bat you're going to be attracted to someone who you are physically/sexually attracted to. That's cool but don't be too impressed. Wait to see how they really are. Don't do anything super physical with them. It's going to complicate things. 

-Know your worth

-It's okay to say no. A person that wants to learn how to love you properly will wait. 

-Date knowing you could possibly marry this person 

-Follow your instincts. (Red Flags) 

-Love yourself first and be confident of who you are. 

-Raise your standards. (actually make a list: nothing superficial like eye color, height etc.)

-Be skeptical (Why is this person acting really nice to me?)

-If you want to see if a person's intentions are there, tell them, "No sex until we get married" and see what happens. If they stick around great, if not you've just dodged a bullet. 

-Abstain. Don't start building up a reputation and emotionally killing yourself or others 

-Be the person you want to meet

-Be patient, trust God, he knows what he's doing. 

-Educate yourselves. Below are a couple videos :) WATCH THEM!!! They are way better at explaining! 

                                          "The Best Place To Have Sex"

                                                         "Pure Life"

                                                "Finding Your Soul Mate"