In my opinion I think the world (media and our “role models”)
has messed us guys up with thinking that real happiness will come when we are
able to attract and hold on to a girl that is “beautiful” with regards to the
world’s standards. We see all these actresses, musicians and other female
celebrities etc. and fantasize about being with a woman that “beautiful.” Some
girls believe that they need to be like the girls on the radio, magazines and
T.V. so they try and adhere to their images, thinking that they will attract a
guy and find happiness with them. But think about it. These celebrities are the most
uneasy about their appearance. Their “beauty” can get any person they want but
still they have failed relationships, failed marriages, they get plastic
surgery to change what they don’t physically like about themselves etc. No
matter how beautiful you are today, the truth is, you get old and that
outwardly beauty fades.
We are so programmed that we have these superficial
standards and if a girl doesn’t meet these standards we kind of ignore them, rule
them out and write them off. It’s really messed up. I don’t want to say that I’m
not that guy anymore because I still struggle with it, but I strongly want to
break that habit. It’s not cool. I’m not saying that all “beautiful” girls are
whack either; I’m just saying we have to try and not superficially pick them
out and stay with them.
What I’ve learned is that….
when you see someone you are physically attracted to (which
is completely normal) instead of looking lustfully and saying to yourself,
“Damn she looks good, I wanted to get with that,” Train yourself to realize
that God created that girl for a purpose and not for you to manipulate and do
whatever you want to do with her. Even in your thoughts.
I watch a lot of Jason Evert (speaker of Chastity) Youtube videos
and in one of his videos he says that when you see a “beautiful” girl,
immediately think of being grateful to God and second recite Psalm 84 “How
lovely is your dwelling places, O Lord of Hosts.” Our bodies are temples of the
spirit, especially hers.
We struggle as men to not think of girls more as just
objects for our pleasure. We’ve just been influenced so much to see these women
as just a collection of body parts. Ask yourself when you’re out with you boys
and talk about your standards, what do they say?
Do they say stuff like, “I like girls with nice lips, legs,
hair, pretty eyes, neck, hips, back side, etc.” Instead of “I like girls that are patient,
humble, generous, modest, have dignity, Love God.” I personally don’t here a
lot of that. Just think about it. You
wouldn’t want guys looking at your sister, cousin, daughter etc. like that
right? Then don’t do it to your fellow brother. Just thank God that he created
someone so beautiful. We got to train ourselves fellas! This world is pretty
jacked up. We need to set the real example. As far as my standards:
1. Loves God
2. Strives to be Virtuous
3. Physically active.
When you see someone that is physically active, they’re most likely goal oriented, know how to
manage time, not lazy and confident.
But some of you fellas have unrealistic standards. How do
you expect or feel like you deserve a girl that is loving, loyal, patient,
honest, etc. when you’re out acting a fool and disrespecting girls left and
right with your words, actions and/or thoughts. I doesn’t make sense to me. I
was like that though. I said I wanted to be with a virtuous woman but my lifestyle
didn’t match up. Deep down you have to change. You can’t be at a club or bar
and act a fool, but then out in public or on a date act like a gentleman to these
girls. That’s so fake. You have to be genuine throughout. The truth will eventually
come out.
I was inspired to write this because I guess yesterday was #nationalboyfriendday, which I only learned existed via Instagram. And I know for a lot of people who saw pictures were pretty uncomfortable lol I also want to touch basis on this because I know a lot of people are still bitter about their past relationships no matter how hard they want to front that it doesn't phase them. You can't tell me, that you've spent all that time with a person and sacrificed so much and now you completely forgot about them and don't care. Maybe in some cases you want to forgot completely, but if you did see them on the street you'd still react which just goes to show that they still do affect you in someway.
So this post is about what do you do when you see your Ex with someone else. It's normal to feel uncomfortable, awkward, bitter, sad, angry and maybe somewhat violent but here's something to think about.
For me every time I ran into a girl I've dated (I'm embarrassed to say but I'm going to be real), I've always been really immature. Always wanted to make the girl feel like her boyfriend was whack or that she downgraded. Purposely made the situation uncomfortable because I was uncomfortable. It especially ticked me off if the guys they were with were actually pretty cool guys. After showing my immaturity during the situation, I would always feel bad and end up apologizing. I was always embarrassed by my behavior. If you were there, you'd be embarrassed for me too lol
But you know what? I got older and started to understand somethings.
What I want to pass on to you. Think about it. (Random stuff. Take whatever works for you)
-I know you relapse and feel lonely some days, but honestly think about why you guys didn't work out in the first place. (Good idea to write down the pros and cons on a sheet of paper so you get a visible representation)
-Do you really want to enter into another relationship with emotional baggage. Trust me from my past experiences, the person on the other end will know. They just will feel that reserve from you.
-Maybe you need to work on yourself. Figure out where your insecurities are coming from and address them. Find your confidence.
-Don't be bitter and retaliate. Easier said than done, but you look weak and stupid (I have first hand experience to prove it) lol
-Trust God's plan. Maybe he used that relationship for you to learn something. Maybe you aren't ready for the person he chose for you. You're probably still emotionally, financially, and/or spiritually unstable.
-Say to yourself,"Ya we had a good run. Things didn't work out but it's cool. God has someone else planned for me."
-Be patient! Isn't your soulmate worth the wait.
-Don't go out clubbing or drinking. I know when you get out of a relationship you'll always have a friend that will pressure you into going out, dating, or drinking to calm you down. Don't listen to them please!! It's imperative! Instead, don't serial date, don't go out (clubs and bars), just BE STILL. A lot of people don't know how to be alone. It's okay to be alone. It's good for you :)
-Take this time to really work on yourself. (Read more, investigate your faith, review your standards, life goals, and the person you ultimately want to be etc.)
-Remember to know your worth. You don't need someone to validate it. God knows how special you are. His is the only opinion that you should really care about.
-Standards (personally I think everyone needs to be with a person who believes in God and has a relationship with Jesus). Not like a "I go to church every Sunday." More like "I'm trying to learn how to live like Christ." A person who fears God, is anchored by his teachings. A person that genuinely loves Jesus will try to love like Jesus loved. So they'll avoid drama, will love you already how you are, acknowledge your flaws and wants to help you overcome them, is patient, not jealous, not prideful, respectful, faithful, trustworthy and humble (knowing that trying to live a life like Christ is hard but is worth trying). Personally, I want a woman that is described in Proverbs 31. You can use that too lol
-Prepare yourself emotionally, financially, and spiritually for your next relationship.
-Be the person you want to meet.
-Get Closure. Try to end on good terms. Forgive. Don't forget because you need that to help you in the areas you want to improve.
-Don't hate on her/him, new guy/girl and anyone for that matter. Easier said than done but that's what God wants. Do it! (1John 2)
-If you really cared about that person, pray that they're doing okay and that the person they are with currently is treating them right. Let them know that you'll always be there if they need your help. Only if the person they're with now is comfortable with it though.
-Don't be self-seeking, be self-giving. Be there for them to just be there for them. Not so it'll help your chances with getting back together, but do it because you ultimately care about their future and want them to be happy no matter who they end up with. Personally this mentality helped me a lot. You got to quit being selfish and grow up. -Don't listen to Slowjams! They'll make you sad. Listen to Christian inspirational, they'll give you a better perspective, I promise. Let me know if you need some artists lol
-Don't give God a deadline.
THANK GOD for what you do have (supportive family and friends, life, talents etc). Don't make being with someone the ultimate goal and if your not with someone then life is miserable. Again have faith and trust in God's plan for you.
-Pray about it. Pray for the strength to forgive, to get through hardships, to understand God's plan, to meet the right person, to be the person he made you to be etc.
I really hope this gives you a better perspective. It's definitely not easy, but it's so much easier if you know that God is looking out for you. It's more than a mentality, it's the actual truth. "The human heart plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps." Proverbs16:9 Kari Jobe - "Be Still"
I was inspired to write this post because of a video my friend showed me entitled "Spoken Word: A Man's Promise" and because of a long discussion I had last night with one of my best friends.
Everyone knows about the "Never Ending Cycle" diagram right? The one that shows how individuals get screwed over in relationships and how they react? Diagram 1 is the censored version lol and Diagram 2 is something that I came up with.
Diagram 1: I admit that Diagram 1 was the cycle that I was apart of and not just once and learned from it, but repeated it. I always considered myself to be a "Good Guy." Once I fell for a girl, and got "screwed over," I would always blame myself, the girl for being whack or some event. And when I gave up hope and became bitter, I said "Screw this! I'm not going to be the nice guy anymore. I'm fed up with all these girls' games. They play games, so can I." So I went from a guy who originally wanted to be self-giving, to a person who was self-seeking ("Bad Guy"). I'm sure that I hurt few girls in my past because of this. Whether or not they were permanently emotionally damaged, I couldn't tell you. And that's why I'm writing this. This "Never Ending Cycle" diagram shouldn't be the norm or the excuse of why we treat people the way we do. The way I acted, even though I considered myself to be a "Good Guy" was somewhat fake. The image of a Good Guy is fake if he isn't rooted in fearing God.
Why are you a Good Guy in first place? Why are you nice to people in the first place?
-To win favor with someone? Have individuals, a girl, like you?
-Knowing that if you help someone, they will pay you back?
-To make yourself feel or look good? (Pride)
If you said yes to any of those you were being self-seeking (Selfish)
In the end what happens? The girl you liked leaves anyway with a deeper disappointment of how guys are. You prove it through the drama you start up with a text, email, voice-mail etc. These girls loose hope.
Diagram 2:
Take a Good Guy who is rooted in fearing God and see how we reacts when things don't go right.
-He chooses to respect her regardless because God created her, and God doesn't make mistakes
-He is content that she wasn't in God's plan for him.
-He tries to understand the reasons why she acts the way she acted towards him. Maybe she was failed by a man in her life that she trusted would show her love. And because of that failure she has all these reservations about trusting another guy and harbors all those insecurities.
-Knowing that she is broken, he wants to help her resolves those issues, not to repair their failed attempt but to help her with trust in the long run.
-He will want to be there as a genuine friend for support to make sure in the end she is happy no matter what
-Pride is something he wants to steer away from, so he sees her off with no drama. Ending on good terms.
She then ends up leaving with a hope that there are genuine Good Guys out there. She's going to refrain from thinking right off the bat that all guys are jerks or have hidden agendas.
The Good Guy's motives for being nice to people is because he wants to imitate Jesus. He knows Jesus' sacrifice and wants to repay him by doing what he said, which is love your neighbor as yourself. He's all about doing it because he believes that God wants him to treat others with respect and kindness. He doesn't want to take anything from anybody, he wants to give and support. And if it doesn't work out, then he knows that God has something else planned. I'm sure it's not all pretty but he's going to pray for the strength.
It's imperative that we break this cycle. Learn to love properly. Self-giving (Selfless) always.
Fellas be conscious. If a girl isn't feeling you
-maybe it's because she has some unresolved trust issues
-she's dealing with some insecurities
-maybe you are doing something that makes her question if you can provide (emotionally, financially, spiritually etc)
-maybe she can feel that you haven't moved on from your past relationships
-maybe you don't have as much in common as you thought
But if it does fail, just trust that God is planning someone else for you. Have faith and hope in God. Do not have faith that the drinks and other girls will make you happy. Trust me, all that is temporary.
Random Advice:
Change your view of woman. Love not lust. Change how you approach and treat them. Know that we are all dealing with some sort of insecurities and underlying struggles. Stay true to the guy you want to be. Love isn't selfish. Trust God. Learn to be a guy who loves properly. The only way to learn how to do that is, is if you follow the instructions of God. Change your role models. Guys who respect women, sacrifice (selfless) and love God are the ones you should be looking up to.
Deep down all a girl wants is to be accepted and loved. If your intentions are genuine, I don't think you'll have to do much to prevent yourself from getting hurt.
Play this while you read!! Kari Jobe - Steady My Heart
Why aren't things going my way?
We ask ourselves this question a lot but in different forms
For example:
Why does it seem like everything is going great for that person and not me?
Why haven't I found a job yet?
Why haven't I found the right person to be with?
Why does it seem like I can't catch a break with school, bills, relationships or work?
When will this stress end?
Why does it seem like my best isn't enough?
Why can't we get along?
Why am I still waiting?
Why did I have to loose that person?
Why am I going through all of this?
It's totally normal to look at your current situation and question what's going on. It's normal to want to be happy, stress-free, fulfilled and accepted. It's normal to have doubts and strongly want a change.
I've asked myself all those questions. And some I ask on the daily, but I've found the solution. PRAYER.
I don't know about you, but have you ever prayed for something and when it got answered, you said to yourself, "There's no way anyone except God, could have done this"? Like the series of events were just set up so perfect that end result couldn't have just occurred by shear chance.
Story time:
When I was 9 years old my parents decided that they wanted some space from each other. The fighting was getting way too much. Up until then, the fights always ended like this. Someone would always threatened to leave but no one would actually go through with it. But one summer in L.A was the breaking point and all bluffs were called. Our family was separated. I was initially supposed to stay with my dad in San Francisco but he wanted me to stay with my mom and little sister in L.A with my mom's relatives. It wasn't like a normal separation where the dad leaves completely and doesn't see the child for a couple months. My dad drove from SF to LA every Friday night and left Sunday after church. He did this every weekend for 5 years straight. Me and my sister would try and stay up usually until 2 o'clock in the morning waiting for him. Every time he would leave, my little sister and I would post at the window and just be happy that he visited, but angry and sad that this was the arrangement. We both didn't know how long this was going to be. We didn't know if they'd ever work things out. When he left I would sometimes run to my room, kneel and the floor and cry on my bed. At first I would blame God questioning his existence. I honestly told God that I hated him. And then I would calm down, wipe my face and pray. I would apologize for doubting him and let him know that I was saying all that stuff because I was hurting so much. I would pray and say, "Just keep him safe when he drives here this weekend please and keep our family together." I always thought it was just a matter of time that we would get a phone call, and the person on the other line would tell us that my dad was involved in a car accident and that he was never coming back. I would stress out every Friday night until I heard his keys open the front door. For 5 years I went through this cycle, doubting/being angry at God, blaming myself or someone, hating the situation and then praying my heart out.
Long story short, my parents decided to work things out and we moved back to the East Bay. A few months ago prior to graduating in May, I dropped my dad off in the morning at the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) station like I always did. But for some reason when I said goodbye and he left the car and I saw him walking away, I started to realize something. Pretty much everything was going my way. I was about to graduate, just finished my finals, got first place in the Science and Engineering Showcase and everything was good. But nothing compared to seeing my dad walk into that BART station. That I could actually see him everyday. It wasn't more than a block away that I just started to ball. Like tears dropping out of nowhere. Just being so emotional and was kind of laughing because this never happens. I'm a really serious mellow kind of guy most of the time. At that moment I knew everything fell into place because of my prayers and God's intervention. I was just so elated. There's no way God was absent in all this. God heard me and was looking out for me and our family. That whole experience in L.A. shaped me into the man I am today. The trials brought our family closer together, I know about sacrifice, I understand the power prayer, I understand real love, I understand what real support is etc, which I could have never understood fully unless this experience took place. My life could have went in a totally different direction if I didn't pray and have God as my anchor. Who knows who'd I end up being.
My message to you guys is that:
-God will never give you anything you can't handle.
-You are at this specific point in your life for a very specific reason that you probably won't understand until later
-God has a bigger plan for you
-the free will and sin of people cause trials and hardships. God isn't of that nature. He's the one that helps your situation. If something goes wrong it's not because of God. It's because of people and their choices. God gives you a way out. He gives you the tools even if you don't ask. But since he does thank God.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you-oracle of the Lord-plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope"
Romans5:1-5 "Therefore since you have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access [by faith] to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God. Not only that but we even boast in our afflictions knowing that afflictions produce endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into out hearts by the holy Spirit that has been given to us."
Proverbs16:9 "The human heart plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps."
2Corinthians5-7 "For we walk by faith, not by sight."
-Everyone is going through some kind of struggle so also make yourself available to them. If you see someone struggling try and reach out.
Advice:
-Be grateful for what you do have (life, talents, loved ones, tomorrow's opportunities etc)
-Go to your room, turn everything off and pray
Pray for strength, patience, and other tools to overcome your personal hardship.Thank him!
-Trust Him (He knows what he is doing)
Proverbs3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own
intelligence do not rely; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he
will make straight your paths."
-Admit that you can't do it alone. That you are weak and need help (it's not a bad thing)
Ask for help from someone you trust (God could possibly be using them to help you out)
2Corinthinans12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made
perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses
in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.
-Chill, Relax, Be PATIENT!!
Philippians4:6-7 Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Other inspirational quotes:
"Every storm is a school. Each trial is a teacher. Every experience is an education. Every difficulty if for your development."- Rick Warren (Pastor/Author)
"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results." -Anonymous
And......
Mary Stevenson's "Footprints in the Sand"
The Katinas - Praying for You
The Katinas - One More Time
(Note: I use to listen to this when I use to trip about school and what I was doing with my life)
-God Bless! P.S. If you need advice or help with something I'll try my best to help you out. If I personally know you hit me with a text or call anytime (That's what friends are for) or if you wanna stay anonymous brianjohn88@gmail.com
So I was a strong follower of Hip Hop and R&B. Loved the culture and the style, but mainly the music and dances. You know when you're on a date and you want to set the mood? What do you play? Slow Jams. I loved slow jams. Especially that Usher song Bedtime. I sung them all the time, in the shower, in my head before class etc. Then when you're trying to get hyped up before a party, club, or the gym you blast some slaps. I loved hitting the C-Walk, Dougie, Jerk, Hyphy Movement Dances (Giggin etc), dancing explicitly with girls when I listened to that music. Usually those songs talk about getting all the girls, swaggin out, getting faded, going hard wherever you're at, having fun, acting a fool and getting high. The music is used to boost your confidence before you get in. I specifically have an 8" Bazooka tube subwoofer in my trunk to amplify the bassline of those songs. When the bassline kicks in, it was time to wild out. That's the whole reason why I used to club. And then..... I watched these videos. Before I never thought I was doing anything wrong by listening to that type of music. Didn't think I was doing anything wrong by imitating these artists lifestyles. Didn't think I was doing anything wrong by going to these clubs, promoting and showing my support for that type of music.
Do you like being lied to? Do you like being controlled? Probably not right. But how about if I told you that the world we live in controls how you think. How to act, dress and treat others. If you don't believe in God there's no problem for you when you listen to secular music (secular: oforpertainingtoworldlythingsortothingsthatarenotregardedasreligious,spiritual,orsacred;temporal:secularinterests). But if you do claim to believe in God, you like my former self, were victims of this Identity Crisis and Conspiracy. Once I watched these videos, I was happy that I learned the truth, put was pissed off that it took so long. It felt like I was living a lie. Another Double Life sort of thing. Like I say I love God but follow the people whose message is completely against his.
The music I listened to had messages like, YOLO (you only live once). So you act a fool and party hard like there is no tomorrow (get drunk, get high, don't take responsibility, hook up etc.) It's a lie my friends. If you live for this world now, that's the only place you'll ever experience "happiness." I on the other hand believe that God prepared a place (heaven) which is more beautiful and magnificent than I could even describe or imagine. A place where all my deceased loved ones are waiting. If you believe in God you also believe this right?
What's my point? These artists talk about things that will prevent you from inheriting God's kingdom. These artists are making you enemies of Jesus' message. Jesus said love your neighbor as yourself. These artists say have sex with girls before marriage (lust), get money, cars, clothes (greed, pride), kill anyone who comes in your way, gang banging (wrath, envy), get faded and high (gluttony). I don't know about you but those are people who are promoting sin. Sin is bad. Jesus died for sins. Consciously embracing sin will hold you back from eternal happiness.
But you say "but some of there songs are about empowering individuals and giving them motivation." But check this, how about it's a conspiracy that we're all apart of? They lure listeners with "good" songs about love, about having self-respect, about helping the environment, treating each other with respect. And then they, on the same CD talk about lustful and prideful things. Prime example Beyonce. You think she's a role model right? Her song "Listen" is empowering women to be heard and be respected. Her other song "Check On it" she says to the guy "I'm sure that I can please you" while dancing around lustfully. Is that a girl who respects herself and her body. Little girls will watch "Listen" and admire her, and then will watch "Check up on it" and try to imitate her. Think about it. She's not the only puppet. Watch These videos please please please! Don't be a hypocrite. You can't support God if you're supporting something that is against what he stands for (died for even).
There are alternative artists. Right now I'm listening to a lot of Christian Hip Hop (Andy Mineo, Trip Lee, Lecrae). I also listen to The Katinas. I'm not saying all mainstream music is bad, just don't be blind in choosing who to listen too.Why not listen to something that will inspire you, that will give you peace instead of music that doesn't do anything for you except makes your head bob, or makes your heart all fuzzy. I'm telling you there are some inspirational/worship songs that slap! :) Tedashii- Dum Dum (THIS SLAPS!!!!!)
A couple months ago I made a decision that whatever
relationship I enter into next I’m going to make sure that I remain abstinent, and
the only way I’m going to cease that lifestyle is on my wedding day. I'll go into why in a bit but first let's talk about love.
Love.
True love is supposed to be about self-giving and not
self-seeking. That's the bottom line. If you read the bible verses that are recited at
almost every wedding, in 1Corinthians13, it's the inspired definition of love from God. The God that created man and woman in the first place.
Genesis2:18 The Lord God said: It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suited to him.
Use that chapter as your guideline to see if you are really in love. A lot of the verses basically say love isn't selfish. Are you selfish? Are you in "love" because it's better than being lonely. Are you using someone just because of the attention? Because of what material things they can provide? Because he or she makes you feel good about yourself physically? Do you boast about your "love" onto others? Are you just settling because you don't want to be alone? And how you can love someone if you don't love yourself? The only way you can show it is if you've already experienced it and know what it is. The only way you can experience it are through the people who you have failed and still love you (parents, close friends etc) but mostly you experience that unconditional love from God. No matter what you do, or how bad you mess you, his love never fails. He's always willing to take you back. If you understand his love, then you can learn to love properly. 1John4:19 We love because he first loved us.
True love is unconditional. If you love a person based on conditions, I'm sorry but that's not real love. If you "love" them because they are really attractive, what will happen if they get into a car-accident and their face is burnt up and you can barely recognize them? Will you love them still? How about if he can't provide for your family's needs, he's trying but still can't hang onto a job? Will you still love him then? Let's say he/she cheats on you and tries to come back to you because they realized they made a huge mistake? Will you still take them back and say you love them? If not it isn't love.
I think our society really dumbs down what love really is because they made up their own definition and guidelines.
It’s a marketing tool they use. They promote superficial love. They show men
and women in desperate need of attention. They promote a standard of beauty that everyone should conform to in order to find love. That somehow if you’re single there’s
something wrong with you. They show the most attractive people pairing up and hooking up. They
emphasize that if you’re single it's probably because no one wants you. They show that
story book ending in all the movies and all shows. They show people “falling in
love” and hooking up to commemorate that new relationship. People see it so much that people think that’s
the norm. That it’s okay to sleep with someone just as long as you’re in a committed
relationship. I don’t care how long people have been together, the only time you
are committed is when you’re married. No matter how long you’ve been together
there will always the possibility of a change of heart, because people always
change. The person that you’re with now could possibly be pretty different in
the future and not in a positive way if he's not rooted in Christ.
Sex
I'm going to be honest and maybe this is too much info but I'm not a virgin. As a teenager and even younger, I was like any other guy, curious with sex on my mind. I was having these feelings and was a victim of our sexually based society. I knew via my faith and parents that sex was only to take place within a marriage. But the world gets to you right? You end up getting into relationships, and everything feels right and you feel that since it's a "common practice" (you see it on T.V., movies, music, everyone talks about it etc.) and you feel that having sex is okay. So you do it, ignoring you're morals and just submitting into what your flesh wants to do. Being self-seeking (another word for being selfish). When you were having premarital sex did you ever think you were being selfish? Did you ever think that you were disrespecting the individual involved? Think about it.
No matter what society/media, your friends, or the other person involved says, whether it's visible (a child, an STD etc.) or not visible (emotional scars), sex leaves a mark. Even if it was consensual, friends with benefits etc.
Let me ask you this:
Do you respect her (her body and emotions)? Do you respect her future meaning... Let's say you don't end up with her, do you respect her future husband?
Do you respect the future kids she may have?
Do you respect her enough to respect the wishes of the people who loved her the most in this world (parents) to not have sex before marriage?
Do respect her God? 1Thessalonians 4:3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immortality. Do you want to be responsible for her not getting into heaven?
Probably not, right? She's someone's little girl, she's someone's older/younger sister, she's someone's future wife, someone's future mother but presently she's just a girl who you stick it to right? And later tell all your friends if she was good or not right? She's just your little booty call when your in the area or need some physical attention. Why don't you hold off with that experience until you fully know that you're going to be in her life forever?
They'll come a time when you'll want to settle down... And if you're an honest person you're going to have to eventually tell her your sexual history. I don't know about you but I don't want to give her a laundry list of names or lie about it to her. A real man owns up no matter what the consequences are. If you're ducking or lying your a coward because you're afraid. And most likely knowing that you slept around is going to give rise to her being insecure about you and herself. She's probably going to question your intentions. But if you changed your life around and she sees that you've changed, I'm sure she would be more accepting.
Why I'm choosing to abstain? 1. God intended sex for marriage. 1Corinthians7:2 But because of cases of immorality every man should have his own wife, and every woman her own husband. 2. I don't want to be responsible, if the relationship does fail, for her not trusting men anymore. I've done enough damage. I don't want to hinder her future relationships. 3. I don't want to be apart of that list of guys she's been with and has to later tell her future husband 4. Sex complicates true emotions. It sometimes becomes the only thing that hold relationships together (superficially) 5. I want to show my future wife some respect. Let her know that I waited for her. 6. I want her parents to know that my intentions are genuine 7. I want to be a man of virtue 8. I want to be a father one day who practices what he preaches. I hope to lead by example 9. Unplanned pregnancy, STDs etc. 10. I want to avoid all questions of insecurities (you know I'm not cheating on you because I don't do that). By excluding sex you can avoid a whole lot of drama.
Advice:
-I know right off the bat you're going to be attracted to someone who you are physically/sexually attracted to. That's cool but don't be too impressed. Wait to see how they really are. Don't do anything super physical with them. It's going to complicate things.
-Know your worth
-It's okay to say no. A person that wants to learn how to love you properly will wait.
-Date knowing you could possibly marry this person
-Follow your instincts. (Red Flags)
-Love yourself first and be confident of who you are.
-Raise your standards. (actually make a list: nothing superficial like eye color, height etc.)
-Be skeptical (Why is this person acting really nice to me?)
-If you want to see if a person's intentions are there, tell them, "No sex until we get married" and see what happens. If they stick around great, if not you've just dodged a bullet.
-Abstain. Don't start building up a reputation and emotionally killing yourself or others
-Be the person you want to meet
-Be patient, trust God, he knows what he's doing.
-Educate yourselves. Below are a couple videos :) WATCH THEM!!! They are way better at explaining!
