My Standards

In my opinion I think the world (media and our “role models”) has messed us guys up with thinking that real happiness will come when we are able to attract and hold on to a girl that is “beautiful” with regards to the world’s standards. We see all these actresses, musicians and other female celebrities etc. and fantasize about being with a woman that “beautiful.” Some girls believe that they need to be like the girls on the radio, magazines and T.V. so they try and adhere to their images, thinking that they will attract a guy and find happiness with them. But think about it. These celebrities are the most uneasy about their appearance. Their “beauty” can get any person they want but still they have failed relationships, failed marriages, they get plastic surgery to change what they don’t physically like about themselves etc. No matter how beautiful you are today, the truth is, you get old and that outwardly beauty fades. 

We are so programmed that we have these superficial standards and if a girl doesn’t meet these standards we kind of ignore them, rule them out and write them off. It’s really messed up. I don’t want to say that I’m not that guy anymore because I still struggle with it, but I strongly want to break that habit. It’s not cool. I’m not saying that all “beautiful” girls are whack either; I’m just saying we have to try and not superficially pick them out and stay with them.

What I’ve learned is that….

when you see someone you are physically attracted to (which is completely normal) instead of looking lustfully and saying to yourself, “Damn she looks good, I wanted to get with that,” Train yourself to realize that God created that girl for a purpose and not for you to manipulate and do whatever you want to do with her. Even in your thoughts.

I watch a lot of Jason Evert (speaker of Chastity) Youtube videos and in one of his videos he says that when you see a “beautiful” girl, immediately think of being grateful to God and second recite Psalm 84 “How lovely is your dwelling places, O Lord of Hosts.” Our bodies are temples of the spirit, especially hers.

We struggle as men to not think of girls more as just objects for our pleasure. We’ve just been influenced so much to see these women as just a collection of body parts. Ask yourself when you’re out with you boys and talk about your standards, what do they say?

Do they say stuff like, “I like girls with nice lips, legs, hair, pretty eyes, neck, hips, back side, etc.”  Instead of “I like girls that are patient, humble, generous, modest, have dignity, Love God.” I personally don’t here a lot of that.  Just think about it. You wouldn’t want guys looking at your sister, cousin, daughter etc. like that right? Then don’t do it to your fellow brother. Just thank God that he created someone so beautiful. We got to train ourselves fellas! This world is pretty jacked up. We need to set the real example. As far as my standards:

1. Loves God

2. Strives to be Virtuous

3. Physically active. When you see someone that is physically active, they’re most likely goal oriented, know how to manage time, not lazy and confident.

But some of you fellas have unrealistic standards. How do you expect or feel like you deserve a girl that is loving, loyal, patient, honest, etc. when you’re out acting a fool and disrespecting girls left and right with your words, actions and/or thoughts. I doesn’t make sense to me. I was like that though. I said I wanted to be with a virtuous woman but my lifestyle didn’t match up. Deep down you have to change. You can’t be at a club or bar and act a fool, but then out in public or on a date act like a gentleman to these girls. That’s so fake. You have to be genuine throughout. The truth will eventually come out.

Seeing your Ex with someone else

"Background" - Lecrae ft. Andy Mineo

I was inspired to write this because I guess yesterday was #nationalboyfriendday, which I only learned existed via Instagram. And I know for a lot of people who saw pictures were pretty uncomfortable lol I also want to touch basis on this because I know a lot of people are still bitter about their past relationships no matter how hard they want to front that it doesn't phase them. You can't tell me, that you've spent all that time with a person and sacrificed so much and now you completely forgot about them and don't care. Maybe in some cases you want to forgot completely, but if you did see them on the street you'd still react which just goes to show that they still do affect you in someway.

So this post is about what do you do when you see your Ex with someone else. It's normal to feel uncomfortable, awkward, bitter, sad, angry and maybe somewhat violent but here's something to think about. 

For me every time I ran into a girl I've dated (I'm embarrassed to say but I'm going to be real), I've always been really immature. Always wanted to make the girl feel like her boyfriend was whack or that she downgraded. Purposely made the situation uncomfortable because I was uncomfortable. It especially ticked me off if the guys they were with were actually pretty cool guys. After showing my immaturity during the situation, I would always feel bad and end up apologizing. I was always embarrassed by my behavior. If you were there, you'd be embarrassed for me too lol 

But you know what? I got older and started to understand somethings. 

What I want to pass on to you. Think about it. (Random stuff. Take whatever works for you)

-I know you relapse and feel lonely some days, but honestly think about why you guys didn't work out in the first place. (Good idea to write down the pros and cons on a sheet of paper so you get a visible representation) 

-Do you really want to enter into another relationship with emotional baggage. Trust me from my past experiences, the person on the other end will know. They just will feel that reserve from you. 

-Maybe you need to work on yourself. Figure out where your insecurities are coming from and address them. Find your confidence. 

-Don't be bitter and retaliate. Easier said than done, but you look weak and stupid (I have first hand experience to prove it) lol

-Trust God's plan. Maybe he used that relationship for you to learn something. Maybe you aren't ready for the person he chose for you. You're probably still emotionally, financially, and/or spiritually unstable.

-Say to yourself,"Ya we had a good run. Things didn't work out but it's cool. God has someone else planned for me." 

-Be patient! Isn't your soulmate worth the wait. 

-Don't go out clubbing or drinking. I know when you get out of a relationship you'll always have a friend that will pressure you into going out, dating, or drinking to calm you down. Don't listen to them please!! It's imperative! Instead, don't serial date, don't go out (clubs and bars), just BE STILL. A lot of people don't know how to be alone. It's okay to be alone. It's good for you :)

-Take this time to really work on yourself. (Read more, investigate your faith, review your standards, life goals, and the person you ultimately want to be etc.)

-Remember to know your worth. You don't need someone to validate it. God knows how special you are. His is the only opinion that you should really care about. 

-Standards (personally I think everyone needs to be with a person who believes in God and has a relationship with Jesus). Not like a "I go to church every Sunday." More like "I'm trying to learn how to live like Christ." A person who fears God, is anchored by his teachings. A person that genuinely loves Jesus will try to love like Jesus loved. So they'll avoid drama, will love you already how you are, acknowledge your flaws and wants to help you overcome them, is patient, not jealous, not prideful, respectful, faithful, trustworthy and humble (knowing that trying to live a life like Christ is hard but is worth trying). Personally, I want a woman that is described in Proverbs 31. You can use that too lol

-Prepare yourself emotionally, financially, and spiritually for your next relationship. 

-Be the person you want to meet. 

-Get Closure. Try to end on good terms. Forgive. Don't forget because you need that to help you in the areas you want to improve. 

-Don't hate on her/him, new guy/girl and anyone for that matter. Easier said than done but that's what God wants. Do it! (1John 2)

-If you really cared about that person, pray that they're doing okay and that the person they are with currently is treating them right. Let them know that you'll always be there if they need your help. Only if the person they're with now is comfortable with it though. 

-Don't be self-seeking, be self-giving. Be there for them to just be there for them. Not so it'll help your chances with getting back together, but do it because you ultimately care about their future and want them to be happy no matter who they end up with. Personally this mentality helped me a lot. You got to quit being selfish and grow up.
-Don't listen to Slowjams! They'll make you sad. Listen to Christian inspirational, they'll give you a better perspective, I promise. Let me know if you need some artists lol  

-Don't give God a deadline.

THANK GOD for what you do have (supportive family and friends, life, talents etc). Don't make being with someone the ultimate goal and if your not with someone then life is miserable. Again have faith and trust in God's plan for you. 

-Pray about it. Pray for the strength to forgive, to get through hardships, to understand God's plan, to meet the right person, to be the person he made you to be etc.

I really hope this gives you a better perspective. It's definitely not easy, but it's so much easier if you know that God is looking out for you. It's more than a mentality, it's the actual truth. "The human heart plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps." Proverbs16:9
  
                                                   Kari Jobe - "Be Still" 

The Never Ending Cycle

I was inspired to write this post because of a video my friend showed me entitled "Spoken Word: A Man's Promise" and because of a long discussion I had last night with one of my best friends.

Everyone knows about the "Never Ending Cycle" diagram right? The one that shows how individuals get screwed over in relationships and how they react? Diagram 1 is the censored version lol and Diagram 2 is something that I came up with.

Diagram 1: I admit that Diagram 1 was the cycle that I was apart of and not just once and learned from it, but repeated it. I always considered myself to be a "Good Guy." Once I fell for a girl, and got "screwed over," I would always blame myself, the girl for being whack or some event. And when I gave up hope and became bitter, I said "Screw this! I'm not going to be the nice guy anymore. I'm fed up with all these girls' games. They play games, so can I." So I went from a guy who originally wanted to be self-giving, to a person who was self-seeking ("Bad Guy"). I'm sure that I hurt few girls in my past because of this. Whether or not they were permanently emotionally damaged, I couldn't tell you. And that's why I'm writing this. This "Never Ending Cycle" diagram shouldn't be the norm or the excuse of why we treat people the way we do. The way I acted, even though I considered myself to be a "Good Guy" was somewhat fake. The image of a Good Guy is fake if he isn't rooted in fearing God.

 Why are you a Good Guy in first place? Why are you nice to people in the first place?

-To win favor with someone? Have individuals, a girl, like you? 

-Knowing that if you help someone, they will pay you back? 

-To make yourself feel or look good? (Pride) 

If you said yes to any of those you were being self-seeking (Selfish) 

In the end what happens? The girl you liked leaves anyway with a deeper disappointment of how guys are. You prove it through the drama you start up with a text, email, voice-mail etc. These girls loose hope. 

Diagram 2: 

Take a Good Guy who is rooted in fearing God and see how we reacts when things don't go right.

-He chooses to respect her regardless because God created her, and God doesn't make mistakes 

-He is content that she wasn't in God's plan for him. 

-He tries to understand the reasons why she acts the way she acted towards him. Maybe she was failed by a man in her life that she trusted would show her love. And because of that failure she has all these reservations about trusting another guy and harbors all those insecurities. 

-Knowing that she is broken, he wants to help her resolves those issues, not to repair their failed attempt but to help her with trust in the long run. 

-He will want to be there as a genuine friend for support to make sure in the end she is happy no matter what

-Pride is something he wants to steer away from, so he sees her off with no drama. Ending on good terms.

She then ends up leaving with a hope that there are genuine Good Guys out there. She's going to refrain from thinking right off the bat that all guys are jerks or have hidden agendas.

The Good Guy's motives for being nice to people is because he wants to imitate Jesus. He knows Jesus' sacrifice and wants to repay him by doing what he said, which is love your neighbor as yourself. He's all about doing it because he believes that God wants him to treat others with respect and kindness. He doesn't want to take anything from anybody, he wants to give and support. And if it doesn't work out, then he knows that God has something else planned. I'm sure it's not all pretty but he's going to pray for the strength.

It's imperative that we break this cycle. Learn to love properly. Self-giving (Selfless) always.

Fellas be conscious. If a girl isn't feeling you

-maybe it's because she has some unresolved trust issues

-she's dealing with some insecurities

-maybe you are doing something that makes her question if you can provide (emotionally, financially, spiritually etc) 

-maybe she can feel that you haven't moved on from your past relationships

-maybe you don't have as much in common as you thought 

But if it does fail, just trust that God is planning someone else for you. Have faith and hope in God. Do not have faith that the drinks and other girls will make you happy. Trust me, all that is temporary.

Random Advice:

Change your view of woman. Love not lust. Change how you approach and treat them. Know that we are all dealing with some sort of insecurities and underlying struggles. Stay true to the guy you want to be. Love isn't selfish. Trust God. Learn to be a guy who loves properly. The only way to learn how to do that is, is if you follow the instructions of God. Change your role models. Guys who respect women, sacrifice (selfless) and love God are the ones you should be looking up to. 

Deep down all a girl wants is to be accepted and loved. If your intentions are genuine, I don't think you'll have to do much to prevent yourself from getting hurt. 

Crucifixion Type Love - Brent Rice 

 A Man's Promise

 When I Became A Man - Phil Allen